On Banquet with the Gods
“Remember that you must behave as at a banquet. Is anything brought round to you? Put out your hand, and take a moderate share. Does it pass you? Do not stop it. Is it not come yet? Do not yearn in desire towards it, but wait till it reaches you. Act this way with children, spouse, toward position, with wealth – one day it will make you worthy of a banquet with the gods” – Epictetus
Over the years, I have consistently pushed myself to achieve more—earning a doctorate, becoming board certified, and advancing into leadership. Yet, with each milestone, I rarely paused to acknowledge or celebrate the accomplishment. My focus was always on the next goal, driven by an internal need to prove something—perhaps to myself, my parents, or some undefined other.
It's hard to admit, but this relentless pursuit was fueled by a deep-seated fear of inadequacy. Growing up with a persistent feeling of being a “loser” ignited a fire beneath me. Each success offered a fleeting moment of validation—“I’m not a loser!”—before I was off chasing the next achievement, trying to outrun that fear.
Reflecting on the teachings of Epictetus, I’ve come to see how I’ve often been a poor guest at life’s banquet—grasping for more than my share of recognition, accolades, and praise, forgetting that such excess compromises the virtue of justice. I’ve clung to opportunities, relationships, and roles, even when wisdom would have counseled restraint. A telling example was my pursuit of an Assistant Director position during my postdoctoral year, despite lacking the experience necessary to truly succeed in the role. My first romantic relationship break-up… its embarrassing to even reflect on those memories.
Ambition, unchecked, has often led the way. Even as I accepted the Director’s position, my mind was already leaping ahead to the next ambition. At one point during my postdoctoral year, my wife even questioned whether my career had taken precedence over our relationship—a moment that prompted deeper introspection.
Today, I strive to walk a different path. I seek to act with virtue, free from attachment to outcomes. If an action is truly virtuous, it will naturally lead to the best possible result. I pursue excellence not for recognition, but for its own sake. I aim to define success not by accomplishments, awards, or titles, but by the cultivation of character, compassion for others, and reverence for nature. I want to be worthy of success—not reliant on it. Fortune will, of course, play its part. But my commitment is to act with integrity and virtue. The rest will follow.
My hope is that one day, I may be worthy to attend the banquet with the Gods.